My Weatherman Dream

Tropical Storm Lee [which was either named after former MLB all-time saves leader Lee Smith or world-famous androgynous and Activia spokeslady Jamie Lee Curtis but definitely wasn't named for the one-time Pamela Anderson Lee or Confederate Commander Robert E. Lee] will continue to wreak havoc over the next couple of days, pouring up 10-inches of rain through Thursday over parts of the East Coast (including DC and State College, PA).  More locally here in NYC, we can expect up to 7 inches of rain through Thursday, with a strong threat of flash flooding. No US Open, no O’s/Yanks – just great weather for staying indoors, drafting fantasy football players and watching Thursday’s NFL opener.

With America frozen between storms – Irene still paralyzing New England, Lee re-watering our plants and now Tropical Depression 14 (aka Maria Maria) starting to make eyes at us – I figured it was a good time to do something a little different. Also this half-time show is very convenient because WMD is at a major crossroads. I seriously need to figure out next steps re: becoming famous. I’m gonna try googling “NYC Famous Weatherman Internships.” I’ll let you know what I come up with.

For this little break in heavy content I’d like to cover the portrayal of weather people in media and entertainment. This will include fictional characters and real-life people too. Movies, TV, bloopers, stunts, whatever. I’ll begin to do some exploring over the next week or so (or until Maria offers me a Tango).

Tonight we’ll begin with the top-5 all-time TV weather forecasters (aka the 5 weather forecasters on TV shows I could think of or find on the web). I’d like to make this a bit interactive so if I forgot anyone, overlooked a great cameo, or weather-man-related storyline in Three’s Company, please email at the home office and I’ll post updates. This list is living.

#5 – Weatherman (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

In season 4, Larry David introduced us to a genius weatherman abusing his power. As you’ll see in the clip, this guy lied to LA about potential rain showers so golfers would flea local courses, thus making it easier for him to get on and play quickly. The combo of weather, golf and power abuse made this fella an instant Top-5 Weatherman.Don’t worry, Larry catches him.

“Larry, first of all, I’m not a weatherman, I’m a meteorologist. I’d appreciate a little respect.”

 

#4 – Gordy the Weatherman (The Mary Tyler Moore Show)

This is for our older readers, as I’d never heard of Gordy before. Gordy was actually played by John Amos (of Good Times, Coming to America and Roots fame). This was actually Amos’ first TV role ever, although he only appeared in 13 episodes over his seven-year stint on the show. Btw – Amos, Moore, Gavin MacLeod, Ed Asner and Betty White – that show was a late 20th century sitcom all-star team (never mind it having an intro theme that’s an American anthem). I took me hours to find him Gordy on youtube, but I did. Fwd to 2:05.

(During a snowstorm) Mary: “Gordy knows what he’s talking about.” Gordy: “Course, I’m the guy who predicted fair and warmer today too.”

 

#3 – J. Walter Weatherman (Arrested Development)

Even though this guy isn’t an actual weatherman on a TV show, his last name is, and I think that’s good enough. J. Walter Weatherman, played by Steve Ryan, appears on two episodes of Arrested Development. I was able to find one hilarious clip from his stint on the show. Now that I know there’s a weatherman on Arrested D, I might finally get around to watching it. Enjoy.

 

#2 – Ollie Williams (Family Guy)

Quahog 5 News Black-u-Weather Reporter Ollie Williams (loosely based on Al Roker), joins the likes of Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa (loosely based on Connie Chung) and Jewish accountant Max Weinstein (loosely based on Jewish accountant Max Weinstein) of culturally insensitive characters portrayed on Family Guy (I know, being equal opportunity doesn’t make it right). I’ve embedded a memorable clip of Williams reporting on Hurrican RuPaul (which worked his or her way up the coast).

 

#1 – Kelly Bundy (Married with Children)

I wish I could say I remember when this episode of Married with Children aired, but unfortunately this was not one of the dozens my oldest brother let me watch with him when my parents weren’t home. Despite that, I do remember many times my bro repeating something about “Strom in Chic-a-go,” which led me to research a particular episode when Kelly Bundy takes up an internship with a local Chi-city news station (channel 83) and makes it big. It is probably one of the most quintessential episodes of this legendary American sitcom. Enjoy a condensed version of the episode (look how young Ed O’Neil looks!)

Kelly: “They’re gonna make me work nights”

Bud: “So now, come dawn, when we’re wondering where you are, we’ll just check the TV station instead of the bushes.”

Mrs. Doppler and I will be getting away from it all (by “all” I mean blogs, earthquakes and hurricane news) this weekend when we escape to Gulfport, Florida (Tampa/St. Pete). Of course I can never get too far away from my craft, as I plan on doing a small study on water temperatures in the Gulf of Mexico during Hurricane Season and continue to  monitor the movements of the next heart-breaker making a pass at the East Coast, Katia. I knew a Katia once. She was British, she was sweet and she loved America. If this Katia is anything like that Katia, she’ll make a sharp right north at the Carribean sea and split the uprights between the East Coast and Bermuda. Now to Tampa’s weekend forecast: highs in the mid-80s every day with aggressive humidity levels (around 80%), and a 40% chance of thundershowers each day. I’m pretty sure the weather will hold up enough so I can complete my water temp study, get some golf in and play on jet skis. Pretty typical stuff for early September in the sub-tropics.

In another stunning twist in my continuing journey to be a famous local weatherman, I have decided to drop-out of Penn State Online’s Weather Forecasting Certificate Program. As you can imagine, the decision to bail on Nittany Nation, JoePa and Ki-Jana (my boy) was not an easy one, and came with great consternation, and now regret and disappointment. At this time, though, I believe that putting my meteorology educational pursuits on hold is what’s best for me and my family (I’ve always wanted to use that line).

As previously mentioned on this blog, The Dopplers vacation property in Falls Church, VA was badly damaged in the great Mid-Atlantic Earthquake of 2011 (GMAE2011). Unfortunately for WMD enthusiasts (and the ladies in my 101 class), a significant re-appropriations of funds has taken place in our family over the past week to cover the Earthquake costs. This emergency cash re-shuffling has put a major squeeze on my and Mrs. Doppler’s personal discretionary funds (both of which would have gone towards WeatherForecasting101). Other casualties of this recently-signed appropriations measure include a house-wide move to generic toilet paper and baby wipes (take your business elsewhere, friends), a cutback on ad-hoc Calbert Cheaney-related Ebay spending, and a downgrade of Doppler Family treasuries to A.

On a personal level, the disappointment is obvious: the Earthquake has provided the first real road-block in my weather man pursuit. The certificate program was not only a purveyor of my commitment to the dream, but was also a perfect backdrop for my continuing weather dream narrative. Without the pursuit of higher atmospheric education, there is now a gaping void of substance in the overall chase to Chroma-Key.

On the other hand, this sick reversal of weather fortune is another perfectly scripted sub-plot in my journey. I mean, really? I don’t think Todd Phillips could have orchestrated a better hiccup. I’m enrolled in Weather School and can’t afford the bill because of Earthquake-induced budget restructuring? If anything else would have spurred the drop-out (work pressure, torn ACL,

hemorrhoids) this would just be another pathetic foible that readers would show indifference to (even more than they already have). Instead, perhaps, the Mineral, Virginia fault-line has provided a morose, yet unique and hilarious kink to my tale. A kink that just might give WMD some legs until it figures out its next step…

Which leads me to now figuring out what exactly I’ll do next. After confiding with my editor at the Capital Weather Gang, we have agreed to continue WMD despite the drop-out. We will both spend the coming holiday weekend mulling over various ideas to compensate for my now lack of weather education and to spice up the continuing tale. Internships with local weather people, weather-related adult films, further news auditions, storm chasing and weather school scholarships are all ideas that pop in my head. Most importantly, I will also spend the next five days soul-searching and praying. Hopefully the Good Lord’s next trick is a little more productive and a little less funny.

For now, here is the official notice I sent to Shawna Perez of PSU Global Campus Admissions and Dr. David Babb, my 101 professor and life coach:

Shawna and Dr. Babb,

Bad news. After all your help, the exciting lead-up to class and now the semester being underway, it looks like I’m going to have drop the course. It seems like my advanced weather education is one of the victims of last week’s earthquake (ironic, no?). You see, my wife’s home in Virginia was extensively damaged when a hot-water heater next door exploded. We’re dealing with serious repairs to the ceiling and floors, so we don’t have the the available liquid to pay for tuition.

It is a bit gut-wrenching to have to write this and I’m terribly devastated by the turn of events. Especially considering it all stemmed from an earthquake. I hope to lay out a new plan with my wife in the coming days so I can re-enroll in the near future.

Shawna – please advise on how I should drop.

Thanks to both of you for your care and support through this process.

Best,
Scott

9:20amET: Long night in the WMD nerve center is now coming to a close. I waited and waited for the Prom Queen to arrive – she now has, and she’s wearing dentures (and no high heels or a pretty dress either). I guess using the word “Dissapointment” is unfair; the City was spared, flooding in lower Manhattan is minimal (although one more surge is expected), no power has been lost and there are no reports of lost life (locally).

That being said, I got 6 bottles of the best Fiji water there is from D’agastino (all that was left when I went shopping Friday), endless amounts of PB&J, lots of Pop’ems – and really, all for naught. Maximum wind gust reported in Central Park overnight were less than 50mph: you can go that fast on a Segway! There hasn’t been any significant storm surge in Manhattan, and to put icing on the cake, that scary lady who was supposedly looking for a fight, showed up like a lamb – downgraded to a Tropical Storm as she arrived!

Feh! I stay up on my couch all night for a Tropical Storm? Pound 3am leftovers for a Tropical Storm? Am one of 4 weather people online tweeting at 4amET for a Tropical Storm?

I basically held Irene’s hand all the way up the Mid-Atlantic coast, showing her all the most delicious beach-side Quick-Service-Restaurants and salt-water-taffy joints from Ocean City, Maryland, through Atlantic City, into Asbury Park, up to Staten Island and give her the nicest possible welcome here in Manhattan (we had a reservation for two at Big Daddy’s Diner at 91st and Broadway), and what does she do? Dips under 75MPH sustained winds in time to make landfall in Coney Island (I wonder who she’s brunching with there). How rude.

Oh I know, Irene will try to get in my good graces this morning with lots of flooding off Long Island Sound and the North Jersey river beds, and in Manhattan Beach and the Battery. And she’ll try to appease me with heavy southern winds behind the storm. But no, Irene. It’s not good enough. I told all my friends how tough you were, how cool you were, how they should probably hide their lunch money when you came a ‘knockin. And what did you do? You made me look stupid – you showed up like a little sissy poo with your high-standing water and some downed branches. Now guess who’s gonna get laughed at when he goes into work tomorrow? Yeah – that’s right: Scooter.

And what do you do? Continue pushing the fluff machine up into New England, Nova Scotia and Greenland. Leaving a path of scorned lovers all along the way.

Thanks a lot, Irene. I really thought we had something special. The next time you or one of your stupid alphabetically aligned cousins – J.P, Laquisha, MikeMendy, Noorah, Oksana, Pat, Q, Ralph, Spanky, Troy, Urinald, Vanderson, Walker T. Ranger, Yvette, Zak Attack – you better bring some bite, you better be fierce, you better be at least a 3 or a 4. AND – you better take ME out for breakfast.

9:40amET: Further reports of street flooding in downtown Manhattan. Irene’s trying to get in my good graces. I think it’s just a front, though. The sun’s peaking through the clouds already. Ha – we were supposed to be locked down today. She is just so disingenuous. Time to get some shut-eye.

One more note: I tried to get out to do a live shot around Irene’s 8am landfall. Unfortunately, my two esteemed film crewers, Mrs. D and Producer Pumpsh, were shluphing on the job. No biggy. I’ll do another live shot the next time it’s windy here and we can pretend it was Irene.

2am ET: Latest NWS report on Irene just hit the Weather Channel Desk. Winds sustaining at 80MPH, still a category 1, pressure at 958mb’s (going up – which means weakening), and the storm’s moving N,NE at 17MPH. Should make landfall near NYC at about 8am (high tide), with heavy storm surge and lots of wind and rain. I’m looking to pull an all-nighter on the couch with WABC-7 and the Weather Channel.  Gonna go grab some left-overs, put my feet up and really look into what this lady Irene is all about. Considering doing another liveshot along Riverside Park in Manhattan when Irene hits. We’ll look at the conditions and make a determination in the morning. Be safe, everyone.

Let’s flash back to a couple of hours ago, when I filed this report…

11:30PM ET: Just got back from Battery Park in New York City. Ventured out with my producer, Pumpsh.  We jumped in a cab on the Upper West Side, who took us all the way down to Battery Park. No problem with the police. Was able to get a few good shots right along the river and a nice interview with Ivan Cote, a reporter from CBC in Montreal. We were out there as conditions began to worsen, but thankfully were able to find a cab to get us back home. Also was able to capture other odds and ends – a park sans dogs/humans, sandbags, and news crews. Some good out-takes too. Voice tonight was much better – much less sketchy, less creepy. Must work on eye contact – had trouble looking at the camera. I might have a general eye-contact problem (Mrs. D thinks I have aspergers). Need to work on that.

I’m just gonna give you everything. Enjoy.

First Report in Battery City (Glasses on – Sorry, Mrs. D)

Fun Out-take (Must remember website name)

Second Report – (Much better – sans glasses)

Third Report – (On media presence, storm surge, empty streets)

Interview with Ivan Cote, CBC

Sandbags at Battery City Apartments

Dog-Free Park/Human-Free Park

Out-Take: “Run it Again”

Report from Tip of Battery Park – Could Make my Audition Reel (Better Eye Contact)

Took a Video When It Really Started Pouring (Cicular? Cyclical)

Cab Ride Back to UWS – Dark, Creepy, Rainy

I know, I know – I’m just an amateur weather watcher who’s just in it for the fame and attention. Fine.

BUT – I get the sense that folks around here in NYC (and maybe in DC) aren’t yet processing the enormity of this storm. It’s time to get with the program, people. Irene’s an angry lady, she’s hungry, getting stronger and she wants a piece of all 55 Million of us. I beg everyone who reads this blog to find a safe haven on Saturday and Sunday (and Monday for New Englanders), stay indoors and DO NOT venture out – this is not a safe situation. NYC could potentially see 80-100 MPH winds, up to a foot of rain, and huge storm surge and waves. This is why Mayor Mike will be evacuating many areas of this city tomorrow. Although this all sounds crazy to many of you because we never experience tropical storms, please make sure to stock up on water and non-perishables, and get batteries and radios before Saturday (this isn’t just a trite plea – it’s real). The NY metro area could see a full shutdown of mass transit, widespread power outages and major flooding in lower lying areas. I would not be surprised if most commerce (and Wall Street/Stock Market) is closed on Monday. Please take all necessary precautions and be prepared for multiple days without power. This situation is getting more grave with each passing hour. Remember what the genius on The Weather Channel just said: “Don’t be scared, just be prepared.”

Yes – you were just lectured by me. If you guys all weren’t being so laissez-faire about this storm, I wouldn’t have had to use bold so much.

I am toast: emotionally and physically exhausted. I wanted weatherman training, I’m getting it – and we’re not even a week into school.

I hit the hay last night at 1:50am ET after monitoring The Weather Channel and wrapping up my latest entry, and I awoke this morning at about 7:30am with a huge shot of adrenaline. I rolled over, grabbed my iPhone and got on the Twitter. Until 2 months ago when I started WMD, I never really did the tweet thing, but with Irene chugging at us, I can officially say I’m addicted. I believe with 100% certainty that there is no better way to get the most updated storm information than having a rolling news feed on your tweeting device. I have 800+ US-based meteorologists and enthusiasts perpetually posting mini updates, charts, graphs, explanations and models. It’s has been exhilarating, overwhelming and educational and it’s only going to get crazier as Irene gets closer.

Just for fun, for a few good minutes at some point today, I put on my Bose sound-proof headphones, played Rocky IV’s training montage and just watched the Irene tweets role in. It was a pretty awesome experience, and I highly recommend you try it tomorrow if you want to get jacked up for Irene’s arrival. It was as if I was helping train Irene for her big fight with Drago (in this case, the NY coast line).

The news just seemed to get worse as today wore on. Although I’m not rooting for widespread devastation, just seeing the storm’s path take shape, I couldn’t help becoming more entranced and excited with Twitter’s breaking news. I was frozen by information overload and I just wanted more. Who says I don’t love the weather! Damn – that paragraph sounded so much better in my head than it came out on paper.

In case you aren’t on twitter and didn’t get a chance to see my running commentary on today’s events, my poaching of great updates and info, and my shameless hounding of weather news producers, I have posted my “best of’s” from this crazy day.

Let’s just take a casual stroll through the twitter day of a psycho, aspiring weatherman…

Morning Wake-Up and Weather Channel Watching Pre-Work (appx. 8am)

• This is the kind of day I wish I had a small flat screen in my office. Having trouble getting of the couch.

• Anybody like the rock music TWC plays when showing the local weather? They stole it from some skeezy Ron Jeremy flick. @twcted – work on it!

• Watching @twcdrknabb on TWC now. The extreme purples pushed more inland overnight. Could be even worse for 95 corridor than first thought.

Late Morning: Beginning to Realize that Irene Could Devastate NYC

• @leegoldbergabc7 @evansweather Is it fair to say that Monday morning in NYC could be mayhem? Powerless, no subway, major flooding?

• Time to break out the boogie boards on Wall St: RT @twcmarkelliot The latest track is centered right over #NYC with a category 1 #hurricane.

Funny Miscellaneous Commentary on the Storm

• This recent satellite pic of #Irene IS the Carolina Hurricanes Hocky Jersey. Life imitating art imitating life? http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2011/08/110825-hurricane-irene-outer-banks-storm-tracker-weather-nation-major-path/?source=link_tw20110825news-irene

• Looking 4 a thrill? Try watching your #Irene twitter feed while listening to the Rocky 4 soundtrack. It’s like she’s training 4 Drago (NYC)

• Just for the record: I had a crush on #Irene before everyone else did. Now all of a sudden she’s all popular. Humph.

• Coolest picture I’ve seen in the last five years. Easily. i.imgur.com/HiPkB.jpg

• #Bloomberg asked about religious Jews & Saturday’s potential evacuation. If life’s on the line, its not a question. Handled answer well.

Recurring Theme Throughout the Day: Begging Weatherpeople to Let Me Join the Irene Chase

• @cnnross @EDGwx @myweatherman…Still looking for a volunteer gig to cover #Irene. Will travel to Long Island.

• @cnnross I’ll bring your guys Tim Horton’s or Dunkin Donuts. Time to invent a #hurricane intern position. Thoughts?

• @cnnross Haha. Structure? In a hurricane? It’s gonna be like ‘Nam out there. I can provide ad-hoc intern services to your NY reporters…

• T-60 Hours until #Irene #NY landfall and I’m still looking 4 a gig. Anybody need a lackey as they cover the storm? My shoes are waterproof.

• @AndreaButera I’ll sign a waiver! I’m ready to help however I can. Totally serious. Check out my story and let me know myweathermandream.com

Late Day: Digesting Irene’s Immensity

• #Irene could be the first direct #hurricane hit on #NYC in nearly 120 years! Amazing first week to be a WxMan myweathermandream.com

• NY Under State of Emergency. I gotta get to Gristedes before all the Apple Jacks and Enteman’s are gone! #Irene

• Will Wall St. traders have to bring floaties to work on Monday? Will they have to use kayaks to get there? @amyfreeze @samchampion #Irene

• Im just an aspiring wxman, but 2 me this looks freakin HUGE ssd.noaa.gov/goes/flt/t2/rb… @amyfreeze @hbwx @capitalweather What was katrina’s radius?

[I apologize to those expecting a video audition from my shower this evening. I just didn't have the resources in place. I also was scared about mocking the storm - don't want to taunt her into becoming a category four. Also, I'm still in negotiations with myweatherman.com about chasing Irene. I'll probably know if I'm headed out to Long Island (or Battery Park) to cover it by Saturday night.]

I probably won’t be checking in again until Saturday night, so please be safe this weekend and god bless us all.

The Forecast? You really need a forecast? Ok…here goes:

So much to report, so few writing hours. Let’s get to the headlines:

The Dopplers Falls Church, VA House Damaged By East Coast Earthquake

Despite widely reported stability and safety following yesterday’s once-in-a-century East Coast Earthquake, there was one major property casualty: the Virginia vacation home of Mr. and Mrs. Doppler. Although a few falling stones from the Nattie Cathedral and a couple of inches of plumbers crack at the Washington Monument grabbed national headlines, a finicky hot-water heater on Metropolitan Place in Falls Church probably did the most damage of anything in the Nation’s Capital. Unfortunately for the Dopplers, their upstairs neighbor’s heater (probably not a Maytag or a Kenmore) exploded when the 5.8 tremors shot north from Mineral, thus leading to widespread flooding throughout the four-story townhouse complex. As of 10pm ET this evening, the elder Dopplers were on the scene to assess the damage (Thank you!!!) and flood crews were scheduled to arrive for the big cleanup tomorrow. Although major ceiling and structural damage haven’t yet been reported from the widespread leakage, the house will be thoroughly assessed again post clean-up.

Latest on Fatso Irene: US v. Europe (The Nerdy Part: Feel Free to Skip)

As all of you know by now, a major, possibly catastrophic, Hurricane is forging a path towards the Eastern Seaboard. Current projections tell opposing stories, but none of them are very good for the Mid-Atlantic and NJ/NY Areas. Naturally, the variance of opinion stems from US models tracking Irene and European models tracking her. Ironically the European model have her tracking to the left (more westward) after hitting the Carolina coast as a Category 3, and the US model has her tracking to the right (more eastward) post the Carolinas hit.

The European model, historically more accurate, has the center of Irene hitting the Chesapeake Bay (apparently she likes Blue Crab too) Saturday evening as a weakening Category 2 storm or a strong Category 1, with sustained winds between 85-110 MPH. That model then pushes the storm northward and inland, thus weakening it significantly as it passes through NJ and NY as a weaker Category 1 storm late Saturday night into Sunday, before turning east towards the New England coast. The American Model has Irene’s center making landfall as a Category 2 or strong Category 1 (90-105 MPH Winds) directly on Long Island and potentially NYC early Sunday morning. This model also calls for much more severe weather for the NJ shore (likely as a Category 2). Both models are ominous, with the threat of flooding and damage to the MD Eastern Shore, the Jersey Shore, the NY Metropolitan Area and Long Island becoming more likely with every new model release.

What’s the upshot? For our readers in the DC/Silver Spring area, definitely expect high winds and lots of rain (60-75 MPH gusts and 4-6 inches of rain). Also expect many falling trees and power loss (if PEPCO is your utility provider). For our readers in NYC, it still might be too early to say. Winds could be anywhere from 60-95MPH with up to 8 inches of rain. With storm surges, a abnormally higher tide slated for Sunday evening, and potentially overflowing Hudson and East Rivers, I’m thinking Monday morning could be hellish for commuters with rampant city flooding and major power loss wreaking havoc on millions of New Yorkers.

Which takes me to…

WMD to Cover Irene

Our sister site (I never knew I had a sister until today) Myweatherman.com has generously afforded me the opportunity to cover Irene with their reporters when she makes landfall in the New York area on Sunday. Although I’m still angling for a shot with the big boys – I’m stalking weather producers at WNBC, WABC, CBS2, WPIX,  WWOR and NY1 – it looks like I’m going to take my sister site up on her offer and cover my first storm as a weather student.

Although I don’t wish for any damage or loss of life, I must say I’m super excited to get out to Long Island to see Irene’s muscles first-hand. If somehow she holds on as a Category 2 when she gets here, this could be the breakthrough you’ve all been waiting for. And I’m only three days into school! I could be the Bill Gates of weather and just drop out immediately. I wonder how many other PSU Online drop-outs there are who went on to be big-time weather people (must ask Doc Babb)?

I can’t tell you how critical it is that I rise to the occasion this weekend. No choking, Scooter. No wimpy stuff. No fetal position in the corner of the bedroom. No time to be a scaredy-cat. I must stare down Irene and her 100+ MPH winds, don my poncho, keep composed, look calmly into the camera and tell my viewers what’s happening on the ground. Just get it done. If I TKO Irene and stay cool during my liveshot, somebody will take notice.

Before I can get out there though, I need to practice….

WMD Audition in the Works, PPD Wednesday, Thursday a Possibility

As the hype from yesterday’s Earthquake dwindled and Irene began to take center stage again, threatening to make a direct hit on NYC, I realized that I could leverage the situation to my benefit (what an ass! Exploiting a major hurricane for professional success). My thinking was simple: if I could somehow convince NYC weather people to take me on as a volunteer reporter, I could let my performance propel me to greater weatherman heights. The question was how could I get the gig? A taped audition.

The plan was simple: jump in the shower, throw on my yellow raincoat, use a cordless fan to push the shower water sideways, have my friend Unarchy Pumpsh continuously douse me with buckets of water, and have Mrs. Doppler film it all. If I could keep my composure on the set during the simulation, report the facts (wind gusts, rain amounts, wave height, storm surge) while keeping steady and reassuring my viewers, somebody would have to give me a shot at covering this monster. And what about the setting? Wouldn’t everyone realize it’s a bathroom shower? That’s where a huge poster of Manhattan comes in -  I’ll just duct tape it to the wall.

Unfortunately, due to not procuring the big NYC poster yet, my water bucket guy not showing up, and the traumatic fallout from the great earthquake, I didn’t get to the audition this evening. The sad reality is that by tomorrow night all NYC news stations will have their assignments out. I still think I want to do the dry run anyway, just so I’m mentally sharp on when the storm hits.

I think that’s all for tonight. RIP Mike Flanagan.

In case you’re wondering what stepping up to a Hurricane looks like, I hope I have half the kahones Lt. Dan did:

I was supposed to meet my good buddy Alon for a drink last Wednesday, but instead I completely ditched him. It wasn’t a heart-gutting, dear-John-style diss, but it wasn’t very nice either. I did have the courtesy to cancel our Outlook meeting invite, but didn’t provide any explanation or send the courtesy follow-up note (the chutzpah). Flash forward to this weekend when sweet Alon, sweet sweet Alon, casually mentioned that I no-showed, and proposed that I do a San Francisco Weather Forecast as retribution for my sin (he’s visiting his family there right now). A shout-out forecast as atonement? Being an amateur weather blogger is the greatest. If only I could do local forecasts for everyone I have wronged in life, I’d be cruising, top down, with Michael Landon in the passenger seat.

Before we get to tomorrow’s SFCast, I’d also like to raise Alon’s call  by offering a public apology for my rude behavior and pledging that I will try not to flake out of casual happy hours in the future. So here goes, Gotesman family of NorCal: a lovely day on the Bay tomorrow (oy, to be on the bay!) with temps peaking at 73 degrees and comfortable humidity levels. Might want to pack a hoodie tomorrow night if you venture out to AT&T Park for the Giants and Padres (good tickets still available), as temps will dip under 60, and feel more like 50 with a 10-15 MPH breeze off McCovey Cove. Delightful. We could use some of that autumn breeze here in NY.

And now a quick word about the impending Mid-Atlantic Hurricane (they’re calling her Irene). As you know from previous narratives, I’m a bit of a hurricane whiz kid. When a big-mama tropical cyclone (or “Hurricane,” as it’s referred to when trucking through Atlantic waters), bears down on my home coast, I feel obliged to impart some of my wisdom about this brewing storm to my worried readers. And, of course, I also must supplement this abundance of climatic knowledge with one of my patented NOAA moving graphics, or GIFs as the nerds call them (this is Ivy League C- material).

According to my latest projections, Fat Irene is gonna make landfall sometime Saturday evening. Her royal corpulence seems to be eyeing about a dozen of 20 different IHOP franchises nestled on the Carolina coast (there’s a 200 mile/9 IHOP margin for error at this point) – right now we’re estimating a direct hit on IHOPs located between Charleston, SC and Wilmington, NC (most likely IHOPs in the Myrtle Beach area). Why must IHOP run their Strawberry Festival in August?!? Their Festivals never fail to attract the Husky crowd. These Obeseniks like Emily, Fran and Floyd keep showing up in the Carolinas and wreaking havoc (nevermind the crappy tips). Computer models are also projecting Irene (Irene, Irene, the Blueberry Pancake Queen) to escalate to a Category 3 on the Safir-Simpson Scale; but there’s also a 1-degree margin for error that come with those prognostications, meaning she could strengthen to a four (possibly take down as many as 16 IHOPs) or be downgraded to a two (6 IHOPs or less).

Ok so what’s the point? You’ve all read these estimates already. The last three sentences were a tale of the ole’ cut and paste. The point is that I’m scared. Very scared. Not for the residents of Charleston (a lovely city) or the golf courses of Myrtle (although hurricane-ravaged links are never a good thing), but scared for myself (huge shocker). Myweathermandream is gaining lots of momentum right now – much more than Irene in those warm Atlantic waters. I’m building readership. I’m gaining interest. I’m getting TV deals. WashPo readers are clicking – really clicking. But where does my blog fit in when a powerful East Coast Hurricane takes over the 24-hour news cycle? My editor can’t run my stuff with fat-ass Ms. Plumpy over there, making pit-stops at every Big Boys between San Juan and Cape Hatteras. The entire weather world (and real-people world) will have their eyes down south and completely overlook my first week in weather school. MY FIRST WEEK IN WEATHER SCHOOL!!! The timing is just terrible. It’s almost like the Big Guy (or Sean Taylor, or both) is trying to sabotage the dream. I just apologized to Alon! What happened to my forgiveness?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to use Irene and her potential 120 MPH gusts to propel my own career (I’ve exploited everything else to), but I don’t think I can pull this off. The 9-5 has me locked to my desk until Friday and I don’t think Mrs. D is going to let my fly the coop for the weekend (I got a hall pass for two bachelor parties last month). Now don’t think the thought hasn’t crossed my mind – I looked at Kayak, flights down to hurricane-targeted coastal cities are fairly reasonable in late August. But I just don’t think my first mid-storm live-shot is meant to be. Close your eyes, just imagine me, wearing a WMD light blue slicker, reporting from behind a boarded-up beach-side tattoo parlour with 40-foot waves slamming behind me, huge squalls pushing me left and right and the sideways rain blinding me as I calmly and heroically report back to you, my WMDers. I guess it will have to wait until the next rotund matron eyes the French Toast Festival.

So where was I? Ahh yes, the first day of school.

I jumped out of bed this morning at 8am. Shaved. Even brushed my teeth. I donned my favorite boxer shorts, and a freshly dry-cleaned shirt, grabbed my text-book (I started Chapter 2 this morning on the subway) and two Mrs. D homemade PB and J’s, and I was off…to work. I guess taking a course online doesn’t capture the imagination like a real first day of school does.

The only thing about today that did remind me of a traditional first day of school was the content (ba-zing!). Dr. Babb took it easy on us this week, just begging us to read through the syllabus, review the testing and quizzing policy, understand how online lessons work, and generally get comfortable with the online format. Apparently all course materials for 101 are online too, so no need to buy more textbooks (thanks for saving us some loot. Dr. B). Of course Dr. Babb did recommend having A world of Weather  as supplemental reading but I’m sure only the real losers will be doing that (wink). More to the point though, just like college – when it’s still too warm to be inside, the teacher hands you the syllabus, ensures everyone a great semester, and sends you on your merry way – we did that whole thing virtually, and I went on my merry way virtually.

I’ll make sure to fill you in on the details of the syllabus, testing policy and course materials on the next post, but it’s already getting late and I already got locked out of the PSU system and need a new password, so I don’t have the dirty deets for you anyway.

And now one more little diddy for The Gotesman’s of San Fran.